The day we know we had lost Yuan (缘)

Tossing and turning… Can’t seem to fall asleep… Thinking about the day all that has happened. How me and hubby happily brought our eldest son Mahsuri to watch baby Yuan through the 5 months scan. How we were told thrice that baby heart beat is not detected.. How I go through counselling. How I grieve and at the same time console my kids of the loss of their youngest sibling.. I remember 2005 feb 08, I also had a sleepless night. I was eagerly waiting for the time to go for induction to deliver my eldest boy, Mahsuri.. This time, sleeplessness still accompany me but is for the loss of my 4th child, Yuan. I am also wondering how it is like to deliver Yuan and send him/her to be buried. All within a few days…I thought I feel a movement. But when I touch my tummy and wait for it to response, it’s as still as a rock… Tonight for the whole night, I try to trace any movement I could but I failed to.. No movement. No movement compared to few days ago, movement was obvious… Tomorrow, no, five more hours, I will be at the hospital.. Right now, I just want to hold it and cradle it and let it stay in my womb for these few hours… Too painful to remember or even experience? No. Though not for long but I will always remember Yuan stays here before.. I will be eagerly waiting to see my baby, even though it’s just for a few hours on earth…image

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