I reached hospital at 7am with my hubby. The morning that day reminds me of the morning 8 years ago. It’s a same morning because both are induction day. Both are the morning after a sleepness night… The only difference is this one is a delivery made for heaven..
I was brought to a special ward near to the operating theatre. As I had three Caesereans births before and this time, I am going to deliver vaginally, the medical team take extra care to prevent the possible rupture in membranes at my old incision.
I was asked to rest in bed with blood pressure taken constantly. Suppository was inserted through every four hourly to dilate the cervix so as to deliver the baby.
During the procedures of Vaginal Examination, puttin the suppository etc, memories of my three previous births flash across me.. A nurse came to check my records reaffirmed with me that I had three births, one miscarriage and now this in-the-process abortion due to foetus heartbeat stopped, so altogether I had 5 pregnancies! That was quite a record for a former Vaginismus sufferer.
It was a long day. Each time I am supposedly suffering, I would try to condition my mind to accept, to feel the suffering. Those are challenges God gave to me and He knows that I have the strength to take it. Just like how I conquered my fear before.
The counsellor was a very nice lady. I told her despite the fact that I was sad that things happen this way, however I never hate and blame anyone for anything. Or even at a state of denial.
From the beginning, the pregnancy was a challenge. I had very bad morning sickness, headaches, nausea even bleeding. All these I managed to overcome in 4 months.. Then there is the Down-syndrome blood test that indicated I am having a high-risk pregnancy. However, I hold on and willing to fight for the life of the baby, willing to accept another possible special child.
Now it has to be terminated. Obviously, I am heart-broken and devastated. However, I try to think of all the joy I had of having him. Just like to me no matter how hazy the skies are, you could still catch a glimpse of sunlight in it.
Last night, I went thru hellish pain to deliver the water bag. Labour pain was not alienated experience with me. I went thru it twice before: 24 hrs with Mahsuri and 5 hours with Kilat before going in as Emergency C (Budiman was elective Caeserean thus no pain).
I was contemplating whether to take Penditine (pain killer jab at the thigh).. In the end, I took. It does helped a lot in focusing my pain, easing it a little and also help to minimize the strong contraction in the Uterus which might rupture my incision.
Whole night, I was waking up in between sleeps, VE checks, suppository insertion etc… The experience is so Deja Vu. Combination of all three birthing experience. I was glad that I am back to this caring hospital where my three boys were born. Where i learn lactation from the consultant here. where i get to breastsfeed all my boys… Except, I will not be able to feed my baby now as he had left too soon to enjoy my little gift to him. When I think of this, sadness overwhelmed me.. But I am still able to compose myself after every good sobs and cries.
This morning, my Gynae came to check and found that the foetus is going to come out soon. I coughed as hard as I could to push it out but somehow it got stuck. Then doc says she has to use a little forcep. I think to myself: Come What May! I will go thru this roller coaster ride for my baby. I didn’t scream or shout or yell. I was careful not to disturb other patients as I was in a four-bedded ward. So I take the pain as graceful as I could. It was a very unforgettable experience. Especially when you know you are delivering your baby from earth to heaven…
Everything went on smooth, I could almost sit up immediately. Despite the heavy bleeding, I am quite alright. My Yuan Yuan (馬緣) was a boy. Though his body has shrunk a bit due to natural course of death, his features are delicate and clear. I am glad that he comes out as a complete human form. I had some quiet moments with him. I recite the Yasin. I cried and sob quietly behind the curtains of my bed. I feel the swelling of my breasts as the milk ducts have been formed..
Shortly, Yuan’s father came to join in the viewing of Yuan. He is my soulmate who is ever so willing to accept and love me in whatever condition I am. It is during these types of adversities that brings the love and bond closer.. My three peas also came to visit me and their late baby brother. Suddenly, I feel that they have matured a bit more. I can’t expect a lot of understanding from them as they are still children. But surely, this experience makes me treasure them even more.